Nick White's Blog

Everything will conspire to keep you away from writing

2012-01-18T16:43:00.000Z

My ebook 'Compliance is Futile' is now out on the kindle. I got a kindle for Christmas and it was the first book I downloaded. There was a certain satisfaction in doing that.

The link to the Amazon page is: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Compliance-is-Futile-ebook/dp/B006LKWQR8

Now I need to get back to work on my novel. At the moment it is going quite slowly, I've got to about 20,000 words, but I keep editing away huge chunks of the story and I need to weave the sequences together and carry on with the writing itself. Finding time to do so is the hardest thing. Everything seems to distract me.

Everything will conspire to keep you away from writing.

I have the end in mind already, it's just a matter of trying to stop being distracted and getting down to the task.

It may take some time.

Demons

2012-01-12T21:33:00.001Z

Top Ten Adventure Gamebooks

2011-12-12T10:42:00.000Z

I always think those people who are keen to forget the past and only embrace the future are missing out.

So I'm going to indulge because Christmas is all about nostalgia (or something like that).

Adventure gamebooks -

The first adventure gamebook I ever bought was a Fighting Fantasy gamebook called 'Deathtrap Dungeon'. I remember reading it in a caravan on holiday as a child. I have no idea where we were on holiday because I was mesmerized by the book.

I have no idea why these kinds of books aren't so popular anymore. If any kind of book could give the reader a sense of personal power, it is the adventure gamebook. So here is my top ten list of adventure gamebooks:

1. Return of the Wanderer from the three book series 'The Cretan Chronicles'. They were something else - set in a world of greek mythology they were addictively difficult. The downbeat ending of the series has all the elements of tragedy. It was simply brilliant.

2. Lost in Time from the Falcon series. (or was it The Rack of Baal?). Time travelling with a difference - even C.A.I.N the time machine gets anthropomorphic and goes wrong. It includes a sequence straight out of the genre of films such as The Thing. Superb.

3. The Seven Serpents. Part of the four book Sorcery! series. Atmospheric and difficult. Steve Jackson at his best.

4. Overlord. Part of the Way of the Tiger series. In this book you play a leader and have to decide which advisers to listen to. You can decide whether to keep your friends or your enemies close. You are the ruler.

5. House of Hell. Fighting Fantasy gamebook number 10. Atmospheric and at times very spooky.

6. Appointment with F.E.A.R. Fighting Fantasy. You are a superhero. The sheer depth of the storyline in this book is the clever thing. Engrossing and fun to read.

7. Beyond the Nightmare Gate. World of Lone Wolf series. There was just something about the nightmare gate which was so apocalyptic that it stood out from the other titles. You even get to go through the portal.

8. The Grailquest series. Set in King Arthur's Avalon this series has you playing the hero 'Pip' with his talking sword. The genius of this series is that you can take the items from one book to the next. You will need a lot of time to read the whole series, but it is worth it. Good for exploration.

9. Lone Wolf series. Set in the world of Magnamund. Again, in theory you can play these books sequentially and keep many of the objects.

10. Creature of Havoc - Fighting Fantasy. The clever part of this book is that is so infuriatingly difficult to play.

What I can't understand is precisely why there are no mainstream publishers publishing adventure gamebooks anymore.

And what more could anyone need for everyday life-skills and the importance of making good choices?

'You enter a tavern, The Pierced Skull. Do you talk to the landlord? (go to page 29). Buy a drink (go to page 234). Talk to the mysterious hooded man sitting alone at a table (go to page 23)."

Don't forget my poetry ebook is free if you want it. Happy Christmas.

Free ebook

2011-11-19T14:08:00.001Z

My poetry ebook Compliance is Futile is free up until Jan 1 2012. Just enter this code: QY92Y

See if you can navigate the confusing Smashwords page to download a copy free at the following site:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/73333

'It's not about the money'

The Pen and the Sword

2011-10-22T14:12:00.001+01:00

Back in 2009 I was reading through the media jobs section of The Guardian on a Monday and I came across this job ad. It was headed 'The Pen is Mightier than the Sword'. Reading the advert it became obvious that the job was to be a speechwriter for the Ministry of Defence.

The non-ironic tagline was 'A Force for Good'. I was so angry at the time. I cut out the job advert and stuck it in my diary with a few choice words of what I thought of it. It wasn't just that the Ministry of Defence were paying £66,389 (plus bonus and benefits) to the successful applicant, it was that they had appropriated the phrase: 'The Pen is Mightier than the Sword'.

I got over it of course. In this life you tend to do that - things will make you angry for a little while, but sometimes we are powerless to do anything about it and the anger goes away (and anyway, anger is such a bullying emotion).

The problem is, naive as I am (and believe me, I have my naive moments), I still can't get my head around the way that the pen and the sword work together. It seems to me that they are diametrically opposed to each other. The pen should promote peace. The whole point of having a principle like 'the pen is mightier than the sword' is to fight for peace using the written word.

I keep reading articles in newspapers or hearing news reports on TV which are so uncritical of war that I find the old anger coming back again and again. And what right have I? I'm naive - we live in a world where reports in newspapers about subjects like the arms trade or the latest war are completely uncritical. That's the way it is.

What is the point of writing? What is the point of journalism? Is it to work with the status quo? Is it to re-enforce the latest political agenda? Is it to write propaganda? Or is it to try to ensure peace - to question, to criticize wars so that lives aren't lost on both sides? What is the point of using a pen or keyboard? Is it to make things better or worse?

I hope the person who eventually got the job has job satisfaction. The job does stipulate that such a person should be 'imaginative', so maybe they could imagine their way out of the cognitive dissonance that doing such a job should cause? Personally I think it would have been a Faustian moment for him (or her).

Marketing Mania

2011-09-08T14:15:00.000+01:00

I've been spending time working on my first novel and trying to market my poetry anthology 'Compliance is Futile'.

It's a frustrating business. I've managed to get a couple of press releases into local papers:

This is a story from a press release I sent to the local free paper 'The Chase Post'.

And this is the story written for The Sentinel, for which I was interviewed over the phone following a press release.

The rest has been internet marketing. I've learned a few things. The main lesson is that marketing is a frustrating business and every writer really could do with an agent to do it for him or her.

The novel is coming on very slowly. I've got the basic plot, theme and characters. It is simply a matter of writing it all out now. And that may take some time.

In the meantime I have to consider everything else as research.

Voices

2011-08-08T15:37:00.002+01:00

Finally my book is available as a paperback from Amazon.com.
http://www.amazon.com/Compliance-Futile-Nick-White/dp/1463721811/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312460968&sr=1-1

I was interviewed by a newspaper from my home town, The Sentinel.
You can read the story online at:
http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Poetry-helps-heal-Nick-s-pain/story-13062298-detail/story.html

It was strange being on the other end of the interviewing. The interviewer got my age wrong and knocked off six years (better that way round). During the phone interview I said:

"I once came into the Sentinel on work experience."
"That's what I'm doing here now," admitted the budding reporter. I imagine that she will do well because she was thorough and direct in her questioning. All through the interview I wanted to say: "Just make everyone a cup of tea or coffee - they like that."

The recent phone hacking scandal has had the usual effect on the perception of journalists. Any trust gained has been set back years because of the invasion of privacy of a few. Almost every rule from the NUJ code of conduct was broken. And the whole profession is about as popular as when Princess Diana died.

It is all about the way in which writers and broadcasters treat their readers and contacts. If readers and contacts are treated in a condescending and uncaring way then there is something wrong with the journalist. The writer has to listen.

So, over the past few months I've been thinking about the way I treat my readers (yes, that's you faithful reader!). I've realised that, even though I've never been involved in phone hacking or anything unlawful, I've not always had my readers' best interests at heart. Even if I don't have that many readers, I still think I could be more considerate. So, I'm sorry.

I draw the line at offering compensation.

Compliance is Futile

2011-07-31T09:11:00.000+01:00

We live in an instant world and suddenly the world of publishing seems to be relatively instant too. I made my first venture into the world of self-publishing yesterday. Determined to get my first book published I opted for Smashwords as a publishing platform and I now have an ebook.

The whole process took me about a day (the poetry collection itself took place over years). By midnight I had clicked the 'publish' button. Strangely my upload was in a queue of about 400 other works (it was day-time in America where Smashwords are based).

I wrote the blurb and picked a cover image (a sculpture of Joan of Arc at the Louvre in Paris 'listening to her voices'). I played around with the picture a little and uploaded the finished result. Then I got my free ISBN number.

The whole process was free and that was what I liked about it. Sometimes it seems as if the entire world of writing and publishing is there to make money from writers. There are so many scams out there for writers that it is necessary to be very careful.

But now I have an ebook of poetry published (finally) and I am ridiculously pleased with the whole thing. The finished product is available as an ebook in different formats for devices ranging from the Kindle to the PC. It is poetry rich in metaphor and simile and it is written for everyone.

If you want to see a sample of the book or even buy it (for $0.99), then you can see my Smashwords page at:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/73333.

The paper airplane test

2011-06-14T11:57:00.000+01:00

During my ongoing quest for a church to attend I have devised a genius test. I’m calling it: 'The paper airplane test'.
The criteria are simple:

If I’m sitting in a new church, listening to a sermon, do I feel free enough to make a paper airplane and throw it?
If ‘no’ - avoid church in future.
If ‘yes’ – consider attending church.

It sounds childish, but this is a test for people of all ages and it does have some rationale.
I’m not suggesting I should throw the airplane at the preacher during his sermon (although I like to think that if one of the disciples did that during a parable, Jesus would find it highly amusing and not look at them as if they had just performed their own mini 9/11).

The next time I’m in a church I shall see if I feel free enough to do it. If there is a stifling, constrained atmosphere then maybe the church has failed the test. Of course the church in question may say that it is my fault that I feel that way and they can’t be held responsible for my feelings. Talk about shirking responsibilities! I’m having none of this! If I have stomach ache in church whose fault is it? Hmm? Hmm? That’s right – it’s God’s fault – and by sheer spiritual delegation the church’s fault (never mind what I ate beforehand!).

The serious point I'm trying to make is that in a church, a person should feel a degree of freedom of thought and expression. A person shouldn’t feel worse at the end of a church service than when they went in. The bible explicitly states: 'Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom'. So I think it is a reasonable test to see just how present the Holy Ghost is within a church service.

I think I may be able to extend the paper airplane test to any situation or place. A surgery waiting room, a train, pub or restaurant. The possibilities are endless...

Stories make the world go round

2011-06-02T10:19:00.002+01:00

Stories make the world go round. Not money. Not love. It's true - look around you, there are stories everywhere. On TV there are soap stories, films, news stories. There are newspapers full of stories, there are countless novels and short stories in bookshops and magazines full of true life stories. The internet is full of all kinds of stories, videos and blogs. People relate to each other through story, 'I went into town today and you'll never guess what happened...'.

Your life is a story. History is a story. We are the heroes and heroines in our own stories, our own protagonists, kings and queens in miniature eclectic kingdoms.

There are a million and one diaries out there with the hidden thoughts, feelings and records of individuals who have the patience to see their life in terms of a story, a sequence of significant events. Some of the stories are honest, some are lies, some are true, some are exaggerated. Some are more believable than others.

If life is a story, it isn't too strange that no chapter can be repeated in exactly the same way. Past chapters can be romanticized.
'It was better back then.'
How?
'Those were my glory days'.
Can't they happen again?
'There was less fear in the past'.
Honestly?
'It was safer'.
The past is always safe.

Sometimes characters in the stories leave us. New characters appear. Sometimes there are antagonists. There are challenges and themes and ironies. There has to be a plot. It has to be something - even history is a plot full of particular events.

How are we supposed to enjoy the present scene and characters when we are still thinking about the past or wrapped up in the future? Or if the present is intolerable, how are we supposed to be proactive enough to give ourselves our happily ever afters?

By acknowledging that the fear will always be there. By acting even when there is fear. By not romanticising a past which was never as good as it seemed.

After the second world war there were two kinds of people who came through it. There were those who looked back on the war-days with a kind of rose-tinted nostalgia.
They would say: 'People got together, communities worked together, everyone was in the same boat, we had good friends and we were united.'
Then there were others who said: 'It was a scary time and we were afraid'.
Who was being more honest?

Stories make the world go round.

Write yours well.

Afterlife Vote (AV) Party political broadcast from the 'yes' campaign

2011-05-05T13:59:00.003+01:00

Under the new voting system a 'Yes to AV' (Afterlife Vote) will mean that we will all get a say in our afterlife.

Obviously the old FPTP (First Pray, Then Paradise) system has a number of flaws.

For a start it is simply unfair. Even if a person votes for 'Heaven' they may not get what they want. If they do not vote hard enough or they are unable to vote (or they are simply unhappy with the choices available) then often they will not get their first choice. Voter apathy is also a factor - with so many people dis-engaged from the process, how can we hope to get the kind of afterlife we would all like?

A 'Yes to AV' vote will make for a much fairer system.

To illustrate the new AV system please consider the following example. You could choose -
'Nirvana'
as your first choice and
'Paradise'
as your second choice,
your third choice could then be 'Heaven'.

It will no longer simply be a vote for 'Heaven' and a default state being experienced if no vote is made.

Under the current system, the choice has usually been either 'Heaven' or 'Hades', with many people unsure of what they are voting for (or if they even have a choice). This is clearly unfair.
Then, of course, there have been the vote rigging scandals (the less said about them the better). The system has been open to corruption.

The much fairer AV system will allow an individual to put a cross next to either 'Oblivion', or even a more obscure choice (such as 'Purgatory').

Many people fear that under the new system 'Hell' will get in as a default position. But this is not so, under the new Afterlife Vote.

Let us be very clear - The new system will allow you to make a series of positive choices. And let's face it, 'Hell' has been in power far too often in the past. To avoid this in the future the 'Hell' 'choice' will be dropped. It was always unfair.

Although this sounds complicated, it really isn't and is much fairer than the old system. There will be far fewer scandals too. And furthermore the end of the world will also take place through a smooth transition of power (there will be a referendum on the details of the tribulation).

During times of recession you may wonder what the cost of this new system will be.

That is the genius of the new Afterlife Vote system. It will be paid for simply by cutting red-tape and transferring money destined for Defence. The irony being that the money destined for Defence will then be used to defend each individual's destiny.

Vote 'Yes' to AV.

You know you want to.

The end of the story?

2011-03-21T18:05:00.004Z

Beware the Beast of Revelation! (or the gila monster in this case).

It isn't the end of the world. I've checked. I think there is hope for your children (should you have children).

Quite often someone will declare that it is the end of the world. I've come to the conclusion that the only reason people say that the end of the world is imminent and that we are living in the very last days is to keep me going.

Can you see the hubris? I think people purposefully say that the latest disaster or war is significant in an end-times wrap up scenario so that it annoys me so much that I get taken out of myself and write a blog entry trying to debunk the whole idea. I'm that egotistical.

Okay, we do have a revived Roman empire in the EU. Okay, we have earthquakes and tsunamis and wars and recession and crisis after crisis. I admit the news is depressing.

But is saying 'These are all signs and we live in the very last days - expect the second coming - it could be today!' really accurate (or responsible)?

There are certain signs which must take place. They are prophecies from the books of Daniel/Revelation and the gospels which must happen before the world ends.

1. Firstly, the temple in Jerusalem has to be rebuilt because it features in Biblical prophecy. It hasn't yet.

2. Where is the antichrist? He just isn't around yet. There is no political world leader who is controlling everything. Satan has singularly failed to become a human being so far.

3. Look at the (Ban Ki) Moon (by the way, that was just word-play not an accusation). The moon hasn't turned as red as blood. Sometimes it is a bit coppery when there is an eclipse. It isn't as red as blood. I think that the moon will turn red when it gets populated by people and there is a man-made disaster on it (just a thought).

4. Jesus said that the love of many will grow cold. Okay, sometimes people are selfish and greedy and don't show much love or mercy. But look around, there are plenty of people who show faithful love and who still act unselfishly.

5. The mark of the beast. We may be closer to this with the idea of implants which can be used to buy goods, but we are still a step away from it. It hasn't happened yet.

There are other prophecies which haven't taken place yet, these are just five.

Having said this - as most of the world thinks that Jesus will never return anyway, this blog entry is all a bit superfluous. Jesus will return in the future - just not imminently. I don't think we are going to see another civilisation, for example. And there is not much chance that we are going to see the sun die in thousands and thousands of years. Jesus really is going to return eventually. Just not yet.

If you want some information which will really help you in an end of the world scenario - read the book of Daniel. In this book it says that Edom and Moab will escape the tyrannic rule of the antichrist. They are the ancient areas which correspond to the country Jordan.

So tell your children and your children's children (if you have them) that should things get really bad they need to run to Petra. Or, even better, to run away to an even safer place (God).

Gold

2011-02-03T14:24:00.003Z

January 29th came and went without any major incident. Gypsies can be wrong after all.
I do believe in invisible things though. For example – gold tooth fillings.

I spoke to a Christian who swears by the miraculous appearance of gold fillings (all praise to the heavenly dentist!). This Christian said that she had seen it with her own eyes – first there was a rotten tooth, then there was a gold filling. The reason I believe her story is because the gold filling appeared at a time when gold fillings are no longer fashionable in the Christian world. They’ve gone the same way as gold dust. These days it has to be about ‘glory clouds’ or ‘miraculously appearing gemstones’.

All I want is one big diamond to drop like dew into my hand during worship – is that too much to ask!!?

Actually I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. God never heals me. I just know that I’m not going to receive a gold filling before the dentist gets to me. Bitter experience tends to stifle some kinds of faith. If only I would believe for that gold filling or that diamond from paradise I would receive my miracle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sadly my teeth are probably going to need treatment from a very human dentist (not all of us are kept on the books of the heavenly gold filling clinic). I should just count my blessings that I can get treatment.

But I do believe it happens – that people get miraculous gold fillings and miraculous healings. I get into trouble (with God) for saying things like ‘he never ever heals me’. But where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Or there damn well should be! It is more of a challenge than an observation anyway.

If I really got a gold filling I’d be tempted to prise it out and put it in an envelope for spare and unwanted gold items.

No, I’m not going to get a gold filling. Call it a lack of faith if you want. But as I sometimes sing…

‘I love you more than gold or silver’.

So I’m holding out for better miracles

Unlucky Heather?

2010-11-26T11:43:00.002Z

"Something significant will happen to you on January the twenty-ninth," said the gypsy, handing me a small piece of white heather, wrapped in silver foil.
I hadn't really expected to have my fortune told in the centre of Birmingham as I did my Christmas shopping.

A few frantic thoughts went through my mind:
'Should I say I don't accept psychic readings because of my own spiritual convictions?'
'How much does she want for the heather?'
'If I say anything wrong will she curse me like in that film 'Drag Me to Hell'?'

It all began innocently enough. I have some gypsy ancestry and I'm sympathetic towards travellers because they get pushed from place to place by nimby-loving communities.
So I stopped when I was confronted with the words:
"Buy some heather to help the gypsies,"

The gypsy (named Carol) looked re-assuringly as if she wasn't about to put a curse on me. She looked normal and had a kind smile. That was the moment she looked into my eyes (I indulgently imagined she recognised my gypsy ancestry, like a spiritual chord between our peoples). She simply handed me the white heather and said: "Something significant is going to happen to you on January the twenty ninth."

As I reached into my pocket for change I noticed some white heather crushed underfoot on the pavement. It was crushed and neglected, like the travelling community. They are a community who rarely even get their side of the story told in the media stories which concern them, who simply live a different lifestyle and are distrusted and treated like outcasts by Government councils.

I took the white heather. "God bless," said Carol. I said the same back and put the heather in my pocket.

The first law against gypsies in England came into force in 1530. It condemned their 'greate subtyll and craft meanes' of deceiving people through palmistry. Superstition of course. Like the idea that a curse would be placed on anyone who offends a gypsy (as stereotyped in the Sam Raimi horror film 'Drag Me to Hell').

The idea that white heather is lucky came to England from Scotland as part of a Victorian love for Scottish traditions. No-one seems to know for sure exactly where the idea that white heather is lucky originated from. Some say that white heather grows over the graves of faeries, or that white heather grows on patches of battle-ground where no blood had been shed. Knights in battle were supposed to be invisible from their enemies if they hid in white heather.

In a country where most superstitions tend to revolve around bad luck, it is nice to have one which is considered lucky.

But the question remains: what will happen to me on January 29th 2011?
Watch this space.

The following picture was taken at Calke Abbey and shows a grave covered in white heather (it is not supposed to be prophetic).

A Sketch of the Time

2010-11-08T09:55:00.004Z

A Sketch of the Time 1 (June 2010)

Outcasts and heretics were buried in far off wild places – separated from people both in life and death.

The fear of death came almost constantly at that point. The news items on the bulletins seemed twice as serious, twice as awful as before. The city became three times as cold and alienating, people seemed meaner, stranger, more selfish than ever. And late at night, that was the worst time – when the fear of death, its sheer severity and finality crept into his heart like an unwelcome guest.

The elderly showed almost no wisdom – people swore loudly or were drunk in the morning on the trains. Implied violence was everywhere. And sometimes real violence. It reminded him of being back in the hospital, where a false peace would descend for a while, a kind of truce during which everyone would be waiting for the next awful event, the next violent outburst. 'It was good training, the hospital', he thought, 'not so different as here outside'. Peace does not equal surrender.

If ever there was a time when people would faint from terror – this was that time.

That he had expressed this fear of death made him feel guilty, as if he had somehow effected their morale, or betrayed them all. Like a crow singing its raw, shrill song among the more harmonious, sweeter-sounding birds. He wanted to sing a healing melody, to speak of beauty, true peace and love, but it eluded him at that time. There was nothing of the kind to be observed, or else his eyes were darkened and he found only what he was seeking. Fear, violence and darkness.

A Sketch of the Time (2) Nov 2010

Outcasts and heretics were buried in far off wild places – separated from people both in life and death.

As he sat taking notes in the morning psychology lecture, the wind howled outside as it hit the side of the university building. At the front of the lecture hall, there were models of a take-apart human head with an exposed brain, a giant ear and a heart (probably from some previous medical lecture). It was an overcast day with drizzly rain. The wind seemed to mock those in the lecture theatre:

'How is all your study going to help you survive, here, outside in the real world?
How is learning how to construct a psychology article with appropriate standardised referencing going to help you survive?'

The wind increased in volume and frequency, unnerving and irritating some students and the lecturer.

He imagined that we were all seated in Thor's Cave – the medical models becoming fossilized bones while the wind howled outside the entrance of the cave, shouting:

'Folly! Folly!' Come out of your ivory cave!
In years to come what will you remember about your lecture? It will not help you to survive!'

The laughter and conversation of the students during a break drowned out the wind's voice for a while – a sort of counter-attack against the real world of survival and grey skies and drizzly rain and howling winds which cry 'Folly!'

But when the laughter had died down the voice of the wind remained and increased in its insistence on being heard.

And he imagined that they were high up on a bleak cliff-face, hidden inside the cave – and despite the strange fossils it was a comfort, a kind of peace to be safe and warm, hidden in the crevice of the university, sheltered from winds which cry 'Folly!'

They say that is true peace – to be sheltered, like a dove, while the storm rages all around. Rather than to be surrounded by sunshine and warmth (while the storm rages inside).

Then he went outside.

Nostalgia

2010-10-15T14:26:00.001+01:00

There is nothing which is quite so bittersweet as nostalgia. It seems to cause a longing which is as intimate as the sound of blood pulsing to the brain.

Nostalgia is often linked with 'a longing for home' (and some people say with 'a longing for God'). It is a constant theme for writers like Hermann Hesse. Hesse's fairy-tales are littered with references to an elusive return to a 'home', often symbolized in a mother figure. His writing is quite haunting because of this. Can home be found in the past then? Or is it an attempt to return to a mythical Eden which is now guarded by an angel with a sword?

In Christian circles, people will often look down on those who indulge in nostalgia. There's even a scripture quoted to defend this perspective, from the great apostle Paul: "One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

This was from the same Paul who would continually tell those who would listen to him, about what he was like in the past and about his road to Damascus experience. Maybe he didn't think about his past excessively. But I like to think that later on, locked up in prison, with time on his hands, he finally thought more about his childhood and the people he used to know at the start of his 'race'. After all, when did Paul's race really begin?

We can never go back, no matter how much we may wish to, and that is the bitter part. Those moments from childhood which were good and happy can't be returned to. Unless someone invents a time machine they are going to remain as memories. Maybe they are romanticised anyway. The past is safe, secure, a place of refuge. The fears and the pain of those times can be forgotten or minimised.

But the sweet part is in the possibility of a meaning behind those events. Whether it is a first crush, or music, or a half-forgotten computer game, or a film, or a favourite old story - these things can have a meaning. They were character-forming events which have been given significance by us. There may well be a meaning beyond that - why would they leave such a lasting impression otherwise?

In the meantime, the events which take place now may be the cause for future nostalgia. And the present, as scary as it can seem, will also appear safe in the future.
.

The Princess Who Wanted Snow

2010-09-07T16:44:00.006+01:00

If you're looking for a present to give to a child (aged 6+) this Christmas then this collection of stories would make a wonderful stocking filler at £6.99.

My first short story has been published in the book 'An Advent Calendar of Stories' by Bridge House Publishing. The story is called 'The Princess Who Wanted Snow' and it's about a fiesty princess who has been trapped in a castle by a selfish prince. It's a magical story from the point of view of one of the castle cats (named 'Aly'). The princess tells the prince that the only way she will marry him is if he makes it snow. The problem is that it never snows.

It was inspired by a tiny cat I saw when I visited an old castle whilst on holiday in Portugal and the first draft was written on that holiday.

There's a story in this book for every day of Advent, stories about angels, animals and dragons.

You can order the book and find out more at:

http://www.bridgehousepublishing.co.uk/

The hero of the story: 'Aly'

Gratitudemania

2010-08-28T16:25:00.003+01:00

I often feel an intense pressure to be content with what I have rather than wanting more. Either that, or a pressure to simply count my blessings (because I could be bed-ridden, because I could be blind, or deaf or unable to walk, etc. etc. etc.)
I even feel bad (and ungrateful) for writing about this. Because I'm sure it is a veiled complaint, and I should just be counting my blessings. Not whining about how trying to feel content or putting myself in the shoes of suffering people often feels like dying. I overheard a little boy say to his mother recently: 'No-one likes whingers and I'm a whinger aren't I?' (he was so upset about this that he was crying about it).

Anne Frank once wrote in her diary about how her parents urged her to be grateful and to think of those in worse positions than herself. At the time she was in hiding from the Nazis in an overcrowded annex. With childlike innocence she asked something like: 'What's the point of thinking about those worse off than you when you yourself are suffering?'. I can't remember her exact words, but that was the general jist.

I think the whole, 'being content/thinking of those worse off than you' thing can get out of hand. I know there are plenty of people who can't be bothered to think of others and who are never content or grateful. But there are also plenty of people who will do it almost all the time. And then there are those strange people who simply tell others to be content and think of those worse off (all the time).

So really, there needs to be a word for the phenomenon of excessively thinking of others and overly trying to be content in the English language. The best I can come up with is: 'Gratitudemania' (and for people who never count their blessings it would be 'Gratitudephobia').

They are, I suppose, three separate things – being content with what you have, counting your blessings and thinking of others. These three remain. And the greatest (and worst) of these is 'being content'.

There isn't really much choice for us anyway, when the newspapers and TV are full of stories of people in unenviable positions. Maybe they are the victims of the latest crisis or disaster (and there is always a crisis). Maybe they are severely ill and are not getting proper treatment. Maybe they are just plain unlucky.

Obviously I do count my blessings and try to be content and think of others. I'm just not sure of the purpose of it if you have to do it all the time (unless it really does spark you into action of some kind). I've been known to take myself off to a darkened room, lie down and simply count my blessings. Sometimes, I admit, it does make me feel a little better. But the 'trying to feel content' usually just makes me feel like I'm dying. It always feels better to be wanting something than not to want anything. The self-help writers put it this way: ''You have a right to your desires and needs” (within reason).

Maybe there is always going to be that tension between wanting more and being content with what you have. And a tension between thinking of others and thinking of yourself. Maybe you just have to accept these tensions in life.

But I'm still suspicious that some people would tell a minority, oppressed girl in the third world, who had no arms and no legs, who has just lost her entire family in a war - that she should think of those worse off than herself and count her blessings.

Giving up smoking

2010-07-08T09:18:00.006+01:00

Giving up smoking is hard. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've been cigarette free for over six months now. I'm not saying I will never smoke again, but, if I have the occasional cigarette at a time of crisis I hope I will never become addicted again.

The problem with being a Christian and giving up smoking is that all the forces of Hades are unleashed to stop you from succeeding. There are some interesting life stories out there about Christians who have instantly been healed from the addiction. One famous Christian singer prayed about it, spewed up a black substance and completely lost the urge to smoke. These kind of stories saturate the Christian world. But if there is no sign of instantaneous healing, if you have to give up day after day after day, how can it be done? Whoever you are.

Firstly, let your nose and lungs rebel. In a way that is more rebellious than complying with the cigarette companies and self-destructive tendencies.

With me, I drastically cut down on cigarettes before I gave up completely. If you are smoking more than a packet a day, try to cut down and only smoke after meals and in the morning.

Next, you need a good reason. I got married so I wanted to give up for myself and for my wife. Do it for others if it helps and doing it for yourself isn't enough.

Most importantly reward yourself for it. I heard a preacher once say "God knows when you do something hard, he sees that and rewards it." Allow God to reward you through your own actions. Go easy on yourself and buy something you really want. That isn't a lack of faith, it is using your brain.

Set a day to give up completely and then try not to think about smoking at all. I got ulcers in my mouth when I gave up and people said I wasn't nice to be around - it's a great excuse to think cruel thoughts about everyone who will irritate you (and that will mean everyone).

When something goes wrong the first thing you will want to do is to have a cigarette. That's the worst part. If you do have a cigarette, give up again. Keep a chart and just put a mark on the days when you fail. Be relentless, but be relentless a day at a time.

I didn't use an NHS group, but they can be helpful for many. I used nicotine gum and an inhaler. Use the support. Supposing no instantaneous healing takes place you are going to need some kind of support.

Finally, consider praying about it. If you are not going to be instantaneously healed then God owes you! (He must have some responsibilities). If you don't 'do prayer', keep it open as an option in times of intense temptation.

So this is it. This is how it happens. You give up smoking, write a blog entry about it and then you give God the credit and glory if he has helped you. Just a drop in the waters of millions and millions of people saying exactly the same thing. Or you hold back and take the credit yourself.

So what should I do? Should I thank God and say I couldn't have done it without him or should I claim that it was my own willpower which did it? And what if I start smoking again anyway? What if a year from now someone close to me dies and I start smoking again? What's in it for me, I mean, to give God the credit?

Two choices: give thanks to God, or say it was all down to me. Two choices, smoke or don't smoke. Two choices, rebel or comply.

But all the forces of Hades couldn't stop me saying I can't do it without God.

Je ne regrette rein

2010-06-10T11:38:00.005+01:00

What I've learned in life is that I usually regret the things I've said rather than the things I haven't said. I shall probably regret writing this blog entry for instance.

But there are two times I really regret not speaking up when I should have done.

Regret 1

Date: Four years ago
Place: Birmingham Council House
Regret details: I had been reading the notices on the council house and was lingering by the pillars at the entrance there. The only person nearby was a young homeless woman. She came up to me and asked for money (I attract beggars all the time). I can't remember if I gave her any or not and that wasn't the regret. What I remember is that she went off to light up a cigarette, as homeless people often do.

Suddenly one of the council house workers came out of the building. The building, in some ways, is like a fort - there is even a gateway which looks a little like a portcullis through which the councillors drive their plush cars. It is as if they are holed up in their garrison, safe from the people on the streets.

The council woman was dressed smartly in a power dress. I didn't recognise her and wasn't sure if she was a councillor or not. But I watched as the homeless woman went up to the council worker and asked for money too.

"Do you have any spare change please?"
The council worker's face contorted into a sneer and she pointed to the cigarette.
"If you didn't smoke you would have money!" she shouted (many council workers can often be seen smoking undisturbed near the pillars there).
The homeless woman just stood there.
But the council worker was unrelenting:
"Why don't you get a job? You're just a lazy scrounger!"
The irony, of course, was that Birmingham City Council had it in their power to help her get accommodation, and from there a job.
"You're not getting anything from me! Don't smoke!"

I should have said something and defended the homeless woman. But I didn't.

Regret 2
Date: Six years ago
Place: A midlands job centre
Regret details: I was looking for work and used to go to a certain job centre. At the job centre worked a man with a ponytail. He used to guard the reception area and walk around the job centre and stare at the job seekers making sure they were all looking for work. I often felt like a slave chained to an oar being forced to row a boat when the man was watching us on the job points. One day a man turned up to sign-on but he was a few minutes late. Ponytail man/slave driver said:
"You're too late to sign on."
"I'm only a few minutes late" pleaded the man, "how will I live for the next two weeks without any money?"
If he wasn't allowed to sign on he would have no income at all.
Ponytail man grinned and said: "You should have thought of that before you turned up late!"
Even though the man continued to plead, ponytail man wouldn't show any mercy.

I should have said something then too.

These, weirdly, are the only two times I actually regret not speaking out at the time. Usually, I just regret things I have said.

The Killer Question

2010-04-28T15:30:00.003+01:00

I have often dreamed of glory. Yesterday night I finally had an opportunity to win it.

I was set to ask a question in the BBC Regional Election debate in Birmingham Town Hall.
"If elected, how would you and your party treat the Christian community in the future?"It was to be a moment of glory. I'd dreamed about such things. Along with the recurring 'meeting someone famous and getting an interview with them' dream, this one was that I would be questioning politicians with a killer question. I imagined my question would galvanise the election debate, making it more interesting, it would be speaking up for Christians in the UK, securing possible promises for the future and probably it would herald in a revival.

Before the debate I had some spare time so I went to Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery to look at my favourite piece of art there. It is a stained glass window depicting David playing the harp to a tormented King Saul. Above David a stained glass angel subdues a stained glass demon. 'There are unseen forces at work today' I thought to myself.

I was going to be a hero, like David. The politicians were like a three headed Goliath, like Cerberus at the gates of Hades, like a multi headed hydra, like...you get the idea. I had a sling and shot in the form of my question.

In percentage terms my motivation was say 50% fame and glory for me, 40% trying to impress my wife and 10% caring about any answer. But who cares about pure motives? People ask all kinds of questions for all sorts of reasons.

At this point I confess I read my horoscope (which I rarely do). It was in the Metro and read: 'Cancer: If you want to know the answer to any questions at this time, then do yourself a favour and ask yourself, not others.'
So, after that, I felt more like King Saul consulting the witch of Endor just before a big battle.

In the town hall waiting room I mentally prepared myself for the attack. Finally we were led into the town hall proper, which had been converted into a makeshift studio by the BBC. The politicians strode forward to take their seats. Liam Byrne, I'm sure, whispered something about feeding me to his gods, but I may have imagined that. Labour's Liam Byrne, Tory Caroline Spelman and Lib Dem John Hemming were perhaps not political giants, but that night, one way or the other, they were giants in my head.

The 100 strong crowd was warmed up with the immortal line:
"If anybody wants to spontaneously applaud please feel free to do so."
Then filming began.

Nightmare scenario! The questioners had all been pre-selected by the BBC! The questions had all been verified and checked by them. The agenda had already been set. That question which I had emailed back to the BBC a couple of weeks before had already been thrown into some bin somewhere.

And so the debate began with discussion on whether the lib dems could now win the election following Nick Clegg's TV debate success. Then came a question on local service manufacture. Then a question on immigration where a BNP spokesman ranted to us all, supported by his audience plant (or weed). Then the guy sitting next to me decided to heckle.
"Bigot! Nazi! Fascist!"
'Could I heckle my question in now really quickly?' I thought frantically.
But it was all over before I knew it.

In the end, thwarted at my crushed dream, I decided to go up and meet Nick Owen, the journalist/presenter who was hosting the evening.
"Hi, I'll probably never meet you again. I'm a trained journalist but have kind of fallen out of the whole thing for a while - how did you get your big break in journalism?"
"I just kind of fell into it?" he answered.
I didn't even ask him for an interview (someone is bound to be interested in an interview with Nick Owen). Two crushed dreams in one night.

So when I got back later that night and watched the debate on TV (it could never be live, of course), I saw myself for a brief moment in the audience. It was a strange kind of glory.

So here's to all those questions that never get asked, the questions which are intimidated into silence by all kinds of giants. The questions which are talked over, unheard or simply unspoken. They are still there. And despite it all, no-one can stop the dreaming. Although they can crush them for a while.

2010 Election

2010-02-04T15:01:00.002Z

Today I wrote off to change my address for the electoral register. There are pros and cons to doing this. I had a month or so when the Government didn't know where I lived and I took a perverse, twisted pleasure in this fact. I had to face the truth that it was probably going to be the last time that this was ever going to be the case. But, it was good while it lasted...

Over the next few months MP's will crank into action once again, doing what they love to do. There will be arguments on whether Britain is broken or not broken (even if 'broken' is a misdiagnosis and the country is merely sick).

It doesn't matter, because this year we will have the treat of seeing our political leaders in TV debates. It is vaguely exciting - all those college lectures on US presidents winning and losing elections simply because they sweated a little or hadn't shaved properly will be more meaningful to me.

Sadly, 16-18 year olds will still not be able to vote. But don't worry young people, I'm sure that the Conservatives will be keen to tell you that you not being able to vote is your responsibility.

It isn't even as if Labour have been that nanny-esque that they have not been placing all the responsibility on individuals as it is. Didn't they make up the word 'meritocracy'? Haven't they pressed and pressed for single mothers and the mentally ill to find work whether they like it or not? But politicians set the agenda too often and now it is all about personal responsibility vs nanny state or broken society vs non-broken society or Gordon Brown stammering a little too much in a TV debate.

But as someone who remembers what it used to be like under a Tory Government there is no way I will be voting for them either. I would rather die (which, I'm sure they would say is my responsibility).

10 Things

2009-11-25T16:40:00.001Z

I thought I might publicly state 10 things I love about Jesus.

1. He became a human being. No other God is worth worshipping. Apart maybe for Mithras, who I was told also incarnated. But Mithras is a myth. If Jesus isn't God, he should be.

2. He completely demolished his enemies in debate. The political and religious leaders were totally trounced. Sometimes I wonder if King Herod took on fox characteristics after Jesus called him a 'fox'. Maybe the Pharisees began to hiss their 's's after Jesus called them snakes.

3. He is highly imaginative.

4. Admittedly he needed to appear serious in his life on earth or no-one would have taken him seriously. But being as he created all types of humour and appeared to be serious... how cool is that of him?

5. He created some amazing things. Like octopuses (there may be a few other things).

6. In a dark, gritty, loveless world, he introduced love, miracles and magic.

7. His gentle side. He healed anyone who came to him and treated animals and children with thoughtful kindness.

8. He was a storyteller. Admittedly his parables were a bit on the brief side. But why be critical of this? His parables were short but they were incredibly deep. 'Bread' is symbolic of all material things, for example. 'Man cannot live by bread alone'. How about the parable of the tenants in the vineyard - dynamite! A parable with a purpose.

9. His love.

10. His freedom-loving heart and that he was no fan of false-peace.

I think it needs saying now and then.

Rats

2009-08-20T02:29:00.002+01:00

"This house is full of rats! Would someone like to call the council!"

That was the forlorn cry from one of my Muslim neighbours (not one with a 'can-do' attitude perhaps). Hey, someone has to listen to these people. Well, I just walked on by (she can call the council herself).

I currently live in a largely Muslim area. There is a mosque on my road. The shopkeepers won't sell anything with pork in it (although sometimes you can get sausages with beans if you're lucky and they have forgotten to purge the shelves of all pig product).

It's not all bad here. There was a Hindu lady who would always stand at her window and watch whatever was going on. She was always there whatever was happening. I really warmed to her when I walked past her house down to the shop and back. In the end I decided that I would pluck up the courage to smile at her. So I walked down the road and she was there at the window as usual. I smiled my nicest smile. She looked back at me with a look of disapproval. Oh well, I tried.

There is a Christodelphian church near the shop. They put up weekly signs which usually read: 'The truth about the trinity', or something like that. Sometimes they will have an interesting sign, but I always think it is a little sad that most of the people around here don't realise that the Christodelphians aren't exactly Christian enough to believe in the trinity.

It is very multicultural. In all the time I've lived here the worst abuse I've had was for one Asian youth to shout "English!" at me. They seem to resist all urges to plant a terrorist bomb in my flat. Some of them are really quite friendly.

So, you see, when I watch the news and see how militant and violent my Muslim neighbours are, I can only admit that I must be incredibly naive. Because I think that the portrayal of Muslims (at least in this country) is almost as ridiculous as the portrayal of Christians.

The Good Terrorist (a story)

2009-06-25T21:29:00.001+01:00

The Good Terrorist

Once there was a man who was out walking when he fell down into a steep, muddy pit. Try as he might, he found that he couldn't climb out of it. Eventually, exhausted, he gave up and sat cross-legged at the bottom of the pit.

Now, it happened that a preacher was walking by the pit and he saw the man sitting there.“Oh…He-lp me!” groaned the man when he saw the preacher.“Stop groaning,” said the preacher, peering down, “Praise God that you are in a pit. Praise him despite the pit. Start thanking God for your pit. Speak to the pit and command it to move in Jesus’ name.”“Huh?” replied the man.But, sadly, the preacher had walked on by.

A few hours later a motivational speaker passed by the edge of the man’s pit.
“He-lp me ple-ase!” begged the man in the pit.
“It’s not the pit keeping you down there, it’s you,” said the motivational speaker (who had written a series of highly popular self-help books.
“You need to get your thinking right. Visualize yourself out of the pit. Better still, try not to think of the pit at all. Don’t moan and groan about having to be in a pit but speak positive affirmations 16 times a day about how you can overcome your pit.”
“Are you going to help me or not?” asked the man (who was getting a little fed up with all this advice) The motivational speaker reached into his bag and threw a book down to the man.
“Read this and put it into practice indefinitely and you will be happy and successful.” Then the motivational speaker walked on by, whistling to himself as he went.

“Prat,” murmured the man in the pit. But he picked up the book and began to read anyway (there being not much to do when you’re stuck at the bottom of a pit).It was getting dark by now and the poor man was beginning to feel cold. Worse, it had begun to rain and at the bottom of the pit a huge puddle was forming. The man had to stand up because of the puddle. He shivered and tears filled his eyes.

A long time later the man heard some shuffling noises at the edge of the pit.
“He-lp me-ee!” croaked the man into the darkness above.
A face looked down at him. It was a terrorist. The terrorist laughed at the man.
“Please help,” said the man (not too keen on being laughed at).
The terrorist said: “Look at the foreign policy of your government. It is your government keeping you in that pit.”
“Can’t you let your heart be filled with compassion towards me or something?” said the man.
The terrorist shrugged.
Suddenly he jumped and skidded down to the bottom of the pit and stood next to the man.
“You idiot!” exclaimed the man.
“At least I didn’t walk off,” replied the terrorist.
“You stupid idiot. You should have given me a hand out. Now we’re both stuck.”
“I just wanted to experience pit-life in solidarity with you,” said the terrorist.

Three days later the preacher returned and helped both men out of the pit.
“Sorry about that,” mumbled the preacher who had had a crisis of conscience.
“You know nothing of pit-life,” scolded the terrorist and they all went their separate ways.

Secret Smallprint

2009-04-15T21:02:00.001+01:00

According to the popular book 'The Secret', if you ask the universe for anything and write this down you will receive what you have asked for. It is similar to Norman Vincent Peale's positive visualization techniques (except that Peale suggests you ask and thank God whilst 'The Secret' (by Rhonda Byne) suggests you ask and thank the universe).

'The Secret' asserts that if you think positively, positive things will happen. But it also says that if you think negatively, negative things will happen to you. In the book this is called 'The law of attraction'. It suggests that if you think negatively you also attract sickness into your life.I think the problem with this is that when you are sick you already have to cope with the imminent pain and a very unruly imagination (which usually plays over every horrific scenario).

If you are then told that your sickness has come about because of negative thinking the logical conclusion is that the sickness is your fault.That is the last thing that someone who is sick needs to hear. 'The Secret' is not the only self-help or new-age book which propagates this idea. And you know what? It stinks to high heaven. Thanks a lot Rhonda- do try to stay healthy.